How to be a counsellor when your students want a therapist

You are hired to help students get into college. Sounds simple. You’re supposed to help them fill out paperwork, submit by the deadline, then celebrate the offers that pour in.

Before you know it, however, you find yourself comforting a crying student telling you that a B grade is the end of their academic dreams, you are helping a lost soul figure out what they want from life, and you’re mediating an argument between a child who wants to be an actor and parents who will only pay for law school. 

You were not trained for this. Maybe you took one psychology class in school to fulfil a requirement. Do you even remember anything about it, other than that Freud had weird dreams and Oedipus had mummy issues? 

Counselling: The power of the candy bowl

When I was hired as a careers adviser, I never expected my job to have such an emotional aspect to it. I knew I would have to deal with application nerves, waiting anxiety and the crushing disappointment of rejection, but I never thought I’d also find myself being the place my students come to confide their fears, worries or pain.

When I set up my office, I put a candy bowl by my desk. I thought it would be a treat for the kids, and, yes, maybe I was trying to buy their affection a little. I never thought such a simple gesture would have such a profound effect. Students’ eyes lit up as they saw the candy, and I was given a great glimpse into their personalities as I watched the ones who were brave enough to ask for one, those who were tempted but remained silent, and even one brazen enough to just reach out and grab one. 

The candy also opened the doors to more meaningful conversations. Several mentioned that it was something they used to eat when they were young, which was the perfect opening to ask about their upbringing.

In talking about likes and dislikes, things they had done, or places they had been, we were able to find things in common and a connection was formed. It became easier to establish that my office could be just a cool room that the students could pop by at any moment to steal a candy, hang out for five minutes, exchange a funny story or ask a question before their next class. With that rapport in place, it was only natural that the bonds would run deeper the longer we knew each other, and that the things they shared with me would also move to a more meaningful level. 

The advantage of the counsellor

Careers advisers – or high-school college counsellors – have two big advantages over regular teachers. First, most students want to work with you. Sure, they might grumble and complain – they’re still teenagers – but they want to go to college and they want your help to get there. They might be lazy, but they still want what you are offering.

The second advantage is that, most likely, you, as the adviser, don’t grade your students’ work. This means you are going to be one of the few adults in the school who is not evaluating them. Because you don’t have that barrier between you, the students find it easier to feel like you are a person who won’t be judging everything they do or say. 

So you are able to establish that bond, the students are confiding in you – but then you notice that, after they tell you all their problems, they expect something.

Rest assured that they’re not looking to you to fix it all. Students are young but they understand how the world works. Often, they just want someone to listen to them, to empathise and maybe to offer a different perspective. 

How to be a counsellor, in all senses of the word

Again this might sound simple, but there are some key things to remember.

1. Be friendly, but don’t be their friend. You are still an authority figure. You should be on their side, students should count on you, but they should also respect you and know when it’s time to put their heads down and get to work. 

2. Keep your personal and your professional lives separate. Students will message you at midnight because they’re students, but you don’t have to answer. It can wait until morning. Laws in your country allow you to have a weekend off. 

3. When addressing students’ concerns, don’t dismiss them. They might seem insignificant to you, but if something is worrisome enough for the student to bring it to you, then it deserves attention. It might also be a cover for a deeper, underlying issue. 

4. Remember the importance of context. It’s good to use your own experiences, knowledge and background to help students, but remember that they might be coming from very different circumstances. Social-economic, racial, religious, cultural and other differences might mean that what worked for you is not be the right choice for them. You have to understand and respect that. 

5. You are not the student’s parent and you are definitely not the student. You can counsel, you can advise, you can teach – but ultimately you have to let students make their own decisions, even if you disagree with them. It’s part of growing up, and an important one at that. 

It’s daunting to walk into a school, receive a list of names and hear, “here, their future is in your hands”. It’s even scarier when you’re suddenly also responsible for their emotional well-being.

But, rather than seeing yourself as an unqualified therapist, perhaps picture yourself as the host of a room where students can pick up some candy. That might be a less daunting task.