Four ways to help stressed students calm down

“Mr Joe, I – I didn’t get in.”

A student of mine was sitting at the table in my office, ashen-faced and crestfallen. Her words were broken between sobs, and her breathing was short and quick.

I joined her at the table. “Would you be willing to try something?”

For the most part, college counselling is a positive, empowering experience. However, an increasingly important part of our job is guiding students through the not-so-fun moments, such as a rejection letter or the stresses of standardised testing.

One of the first steps towards helping a student in a time of distress is recognising the degree to which they are experiencing their negative emotions. Brené Brown, author of Atlas of the Heart, differentiates between a student who is “in the weeds” and one who is “blown”. As she describes it, “blown” is a state of being overwhelmed to the extent that a student might not even be able to articulate what they are experiencing: “On a scale of one to 10, I’m feeling my emotions at about 10, I’m paying attention to them at about five, and I understand them at about two.”

In these moments, a few strategies might help an overwhelmed student to calm down and reset.

1. Ice pack

Have students place an ice pack on their chest for 10-15 minutes. This is one of the easiest, most effective ways for a student to reset their nervous system and regulate their cortisol levels.

Most schools have ice packs in the nurse’s office, but it might be wise to keep a stack in your office, just in case.

2. Single-nostril reverse breathing

Gently press a finger against one nostril to close it. Then count to four as you inhale through the open nostril. Hold your breath for five counts. Then close the other nostril with the same finger, releasing the other half. Exhale slowly for seven counts. Repeat three times.

Having students focus on a single action, such as intentional, mindful breathing, allows their nervous system to reset and enter into a “rest and digest” state. After a few minutes, they might feel a slight tingling sensation or a general release of tension.

3. Guided white-light meditation

Ask students to close their eyes and imagine a white light connecting to the crown of their head and running down their spine. Then encourage them to imagine the light permeating their body, part by part: their shoulders, arms, fingers, chest, legs and toes.

This guided meditation allows them to bring attention and awareness to the sensations present in their bodies, releasing any tension. More willing students can do this lying on the ground, arms splayed out by their sides, with their legs propped up vertically against a wall.

4. The Ruler approach

Once the student has re-established control over their emotions, they might move from “blown” to “in the weeds”. They haven’t yet resolved – or even addressed – the event or circumstances that overwhelmed them in the first place. But they might now be in a better place to articulate what they are feeling.

It might be helpful here to use the Ruler approach, developed by the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence.

a. R ecognise

Encourage students to share what they are feeling and how they are experiencing their emotions in their body. Ask how they are feeling now, compared with how they felt when they walked into your office.

b. U nderstand

Ask students to consider what catalysed these emotions: where did they come from? Often, anxiety, overwhelm and stress are the result of compounding causes that haven’t been articulated. There is likely to be more than one answer to this question, so be willing to take the time to dig deep.

c. L abel

Ask students to name their emotions in specific and detailed vocabulary. Consider the degree of the emotion (sadness, for example, is not the same as grief or despair) and the way in which multiple emotions may also be compounded (disappointment could be linked to shame or stress).

d. E xpress

Recognise and appreciate the student for expressing these emotions to you. After all, you are a safe resource for them. Ask them to consider who else they might be willing to bring into this conversation: parents, mentors, teachers et al. This would also be an appropriate time to signpost external resources, such as mental health organisations, if appropriate.

e. R egulate

Develop strategies and make a game plan for the student when or if similar situations arise again. These might include some of the strategies they used with you today. Ask them which they found helpful, and whether they would consider using them on their own.

We are not college and career advisers: we are counsellors. It is to our benefit that we build a repertoire of counselling skills and strategies for those moments in which we are faced with a student who is overwhelmed. We can’t always plan for it, but we can be prepared.